Oh! Before I start though, I gotta make this comment: I am actually really looking forward to the Breaking Dawn movie(s). Namely, I am looking forward to seeing how they manage the OMG SUPER ROUGH VAMPIRE SEX scenes, and the EVERYONE IN THE ROOM RIPPING APART BELLA'S ABDOMEN WITH THEIR TEETH birthing. Also the baby. The baby sounds like some freaky thing from a horror film. When I picture it, I can't think of all those advertisements for Splice.
Renesmee.
...
OH SHIT I shouldn't have stopped right after the lion-falling-in-love-with-the-lamb line. I totally forgot about the follow-up:
Bella: "What a stupid lamb."
Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion."
Olivia: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
Oh man the lying-in-the-field-staring-at-each-other scene. Wasn't this supposed to be in bright daylight? You know, so this passage could happen:
"Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal."
One reason why books will almost always be better than movies: You get to read bullshit like that.
Man, this music makes me feel like there has to be one of those cheesy montage sex scenes. But no. They're just lying on the grass looking at each other.
Bella: -stoner face-
Oh, never mind, here comes the sun. Here come the ~*glitter!*~ sound effects. Here comes the sandpaper skin.
Bella: One, he's a vampire. Two, he wants to eat me. Three, I LOVE HIM SO IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Olivia: -kick-
Edward and Bella: -new-couple-strut through the parking lot-
Edward: -is wearing really douchey sunglass and a really douchey grin-
Fangirls: OMG! 8D
Fanboys: Omg. 8|
Rest-of-Cullens: -annoyed stare across parking lot-
Edward: -smirks at them-
-flashback-
Carlisle: -whispers in Edward's ear-
Edward: -smiles faintly-
Carlisle: -attacks Edward's neck-
Edward: -looks like he is being raped-
Carlisle: -still looks like a teenager-
Edward: We're vegetarian vampires. But it kind of sucks. Definitely not like drinking your blood. -nonchalant chuckle-
Bella: o_o
Edward: -is suddenly acting more like a normal douchey teenaged boy-
Bella: -is probably suicidal-
Edward and..Jacob's dad, I forget his name: -exchange slow-motion meaningful glare-
Jacob's dad: -is onto them-
Cullens' house: -is really pretty-
Cullens' house: -is basically the only colorful thing in the movie besides Bella's truck-
Cheesy fast-running sound effects: -are as cheesy as the ~*sparkles!*~-
Cullens: -are watching a cooking show and cooking-
Rosalie: -is bitchy-
Esme: -can smell Bella- "Get a whiff of that! Here comes the human."
Olivia: -is not even kidding-
Carlisle and Esme: -SERIOUSLY LOOK REALLY YOUNG, I don't know how they're fooling everyone with this foster children thing, I mean honestly I wouldn't be able to tell who were the 'parents' if I didn't already know-
Olivia: -keeps mistaking Carlisle for Jasper because Jasper looks so absurd that I just can't take him seriously, and I keep forgetting that he's there-
Rosalie: -is really pissy that she has to cook for Edward's stupidhumangirlfriend-
Rosalie: -breaks a glass salad bowl in her hands-
Olivia: -doesn't really blame her-
Bella: Mumble mumble.
Cullens: AHAH YOU'RE SO FUNNY AND WE LOVE YOU.
Alice and stupidlookingJasper: -walk into the kitchen from a tree branch outside-
Olivia: -lol-
Alice: -is adorable-
Jasper: -looks stupid-
Alice: HUUUUGS!~*~
Everyone else: Uh.
Alice: Oh, you do smell good.
Everyone else: -cough-
Alice: Let's be BFFs!~*~
Everyone else: ...
Jasper: -is 'our newest vegetarian'-
Jasper: -is having difficulties restraining himself-
Jasper: -looks totally stupid-
Jasper: -is making that face-
Edward: -looks pained-
Bella: -is clearly uncomfortable with the Cullen small talk-
Cullen house: -has a mural of graduation caps on the wall-
Edward: "We matriculate a lot."
Edward: -had to be douchey and say 'matriculate' instead of 'graduate'-
Edward: "Yeah, uh, this is my room."
Bella: "No bed?"
Olivia: PFFFFFFFFFFFFF. xD
Bella: -is clearly not as innocent as she wants us to believe-
Edward and Bella: -apparently share a passion for classical music-
Edward and Bella: -therefore are clearly meant for each other-
Edward and Bella: -are..dancing?-
Olivia: ...
Bella: "I'm not afraid of you."
Edward: "Well, you really shouldn't have said that." -grin-
Edward: -pulls Bella onto his shoulders and jumps out the window for another cheesy running-through-the-forest scene-
Olivia: RAAAAAAAAAPE.
Edward: -just called her a spider monkey?-
Edward: -takes Bella up into a really tall tree in the middle of the forest-
Olivia: -really wants him to just leave her there..-
Bella: -is amazed by the view-
Bella: "This kind of stuff just doesn't exist."
Edward: "It does in my world."
Edward: -said that in completely the douchiest way ever, I am not kidding-
Bella: -is climbing higher-
Bella: -probably shouldn't be, because apparently she is too klutzy to do anything-
Bella: -skipped down the stairs in the book, and I'm not even sure how that happens, believe me after I read that part I tried, so maybe she is less klutzy than SMeyer wants us to believe-
Forest shot: -is admittedly very pretty-
Edward: -is playing the piano for Bella-
Bella: -is lying on the couch in the background in what she hopes is a sexy pose-
Bella: -is now sitting on the piano bench next to him-
Bella: -HAS VAMPIRE SPEED?-
Charlie: -is conducting an investigation-
Rival vampire squad: -watch from the trees-
White fanboy: "I don't like it. He just..looks at you like you're something to eat."
Bella: -laughs it off-
White fanboy: -has more insight than the rest of them-
Stephenie Meyer: -HAS A CAMEO IN THE DINER-
Olivia: -RAAAAAAGE-
Olivia: -hates her stupid face-
Stephenie Meyer: -ordered a veggie plate-
Fan club: -is outside the diner wagging their butts through the window-
Olivia: -is not even joking-
Bella's mom: Oh hey you can come back if you want.
Bella: Actually I kind of like it here.
Bella's mom: WHAT.
Edward: -is sitting on Bella's bed-
Bella: WHAT.
Edward: I have been doing this for two months.
Bella: ...
Edward: "I like watching you sleep. It's..it's kind of fascinating to me."
Bella: AW THAT IS SO SWEET.
Olivia: -headdesk forever-
Edward: -leans in agonizingly slowly to kiss Bella-
Bella: -is not allowed to move-
Bella: -is clearly having some troubles down under-
Bella: -kisses him harder-
Edward: -looks like he's about to rape her-
Edward: -suddenly throws himself backwards into the wall-
Bella: WHAAAAAT. NOOOOO.
Edward and Bella: -just sit talking instead-
Bella: -is clearly disappointed-
Bella: -falls asleep-
Edward: -is a total creeper-
Charlie: -is loading his gun-
Bella: "I have a date with Edward Cullen."
Bella: -should not be talking about boys while her protective father is loading his gun-
Charlie: "He's a little old for you, innit he?"
Olivia: -lol-
Bella: Edward's outside. He wants to meet you.
Charlie: -snaps gun threateningly- "Alright, bring 'im in."
That one part just now: -was probably my favorite part of the movie-
Bella: "Be nice, please. He's important."
Charlie: -makes some weird gesture with his finger over his head?-
Olivia: -is confused..-
Charlie: "Hey, still got that pepper spray?"
Charlie: -is my favorite character-
When I first happened upon summaries of Twilight the novel, I thought the thing about vampire baseball was a joke. No. Unfortunately, it's very very real. They even have uniforms. (Hey, their twenty-year-old-foster-daddy is rich! They can afford!)
Alice: -pitches like a ballerina-
Vampire baseball: -is intense-
Vampire baseball: -is ridiculous-
Vampire baseball: -is admittedly kind of cool-
Bella: -is the umpire-
Rosalie: -is really upset that she's out-
Bella: -did not make things any better for herself-
Rosalie: -just called Emmett her 'monkey man'-
Olivia: -is not even kidding-
Rival vampire squad: -interrupt the party-
Cullens: -slow-motion head turn-
Rival vampire squad: -are basically pimp-strutting out of the forest-
Rival vampire squad: -are way cooler than the Cullens-
Cullens: -form an icy marble vegetarian baseball-uniformed shield around Bella-
Bella: -is confused-
Laurent: -needs to button his shirt-
Victoria: -is hot-
James: -has scary eyes-
Carlisle: -is not fazed-
Camera shots: -are all super-close-ups of people's eyes-
Rival vampire squad: -are going to play baseball with them-
Olivia: THIS IS STUPID.
Jasper: -has his second line in the whole movie-
Jasper: -sounds really dumb-
James: -leers at Bella-
Wind: -blows Bella's scent in James's direction-
James: YUM.
Cullens: OH FUCK.
Vampires: -make their action poses-
Vampires: -are actually hissing-
Olivia: THIS IS STUPID.
Aw maaaan. They're not allowed to play baseball anymore.
Edward: -is trying to rush Bella to safety-
Bella: -is showing affection for Charlie for the second time in the movie-
Edward: THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME.
Bella: I'M LEAVING.
Charlie: -doesn't get it-
Poor Charlie.
Bella: I AM DRIVING HOME TO PHOENIX WHERE I BELONG.
Charlie: I CAN CHANGE. :(
Bella: -is being a huge bitch-
Olivia: Charliiieeeee. :(
Bella: -sees fan club having a normal happy teenage life-
Bella: -stoner face-
Laurent: I am just here to warn you but basically I'm just saying that they're really powerful and you're probably screwed.
Laurent: -leaves-
"We'll have to tear him apart and burn the pieces." That is the second time one of the Cullens has said that in the last five minutes. They just..say it in such a casual way. It's a little bit disturbing.
Rosalie: -is really resentful that they have to risk everything for Edward's stupidhumangirlfriend-
Olivia: -doesn't blame her-
Edward: "Bella, you are my life now."
Even though he's been dead for a hundred years now. Of course, that doesn't matter to the swooning girls all over the world who can't get enough of that line.
Cullens: -have lots of fancy cars-
Rosalie: -is marking trees with Bella's jacket that she's wearing-
Rosalie: -looks very silly-
James: -runs through the woods-
James: -smells Bella's scent-
James: -makes a really awkward face-
Alice and Jasper: -bring Bella to a very fancy hotel-
Alice: -has a vision-
James: -can totally tell that they were trying to trick him-
James: -gets really angry and makes a growling noise and runs in the other direction-
Rosalie: -obviously did not have her heart in the tree-marking-
Edward and Rosalie and Emmett: Oops.
Alice: -draws her vision with a blank look on her face-
Bella: -took ballet as a child?-
Olivia: -thought she was supposed to be clumsy and ungainly-
SMeyer: -didn't think this through-
Hotel lobby: -has the first actual colorful lighting in the entire movie-
James: -calls Bella-
Bella: -is heroic-
Bella: -goes off to save her mother-
Cullens: -have risked everything for Bella and now she is just going to throw it all away-
Bella: -should have thought this through-
That line from the beginning of the movie about Bella dying in the place of someone she loves: -showed up again-
Bella: -still has her pepper spray-
Olivia: -lol-
James: -ominous echo-y laughter-
James: -is reflected in a bunch of mirrors-
James: -is doing this weird head-tilting thing that is probably supposed to be scary but just kind of looks dumb-
Dude why are there so many scenes when Bella looks like she's about to be raped. 8|
Bella's pepper spray: -was totally ineffective-
James: -is flying through the air-
Olivia: -keeps expecting Bella to trip-
Bella: -instead is knocked across the floor-
Olivia: -finds this a sufficient alternative-
Edward: -dramatic arrival-
James and Edward: -finally have a fight scene-
Bella: -is bleeding in several places-
James: -bites Bella-
Bella's skin: -makes a kind of gross skin-crunching sound-
Edward: RAAAAAAGE.
Bella: -convulses on the floor-
Edward: -is totally owning James-
Edward: -makes growling noises and tears off a chunk of James's flesh with his teeth-
Other Cullens: -finally get there-
Other Cullens: -fly from the balcony-
Carlisle: -prevents Edward from turning into
Alice: -accidentally gets Bella's blood on her hands and can't resist sniffing it-
Alice: -runs off and breaks James's neck and..sets his head on fire with her hands?-
Edward: -is elongating Bella's pain by having a deep ethical moment-
Bella: -is still moaning and convulsing-
Jasper and Emmett and Alice: -seem to be having a lot of fun with their bonfire in the background-
Edward: -sucks out the venom-
Edward: -thinks this is delicious-
Edward: -is having a hard time stopping-
Bella: -dying stoner face-
Random montage of Bella-and-Edward moments while Edward tries to stop himself from drinking all of Bella's delicious delicious blood: -what-
Random soulful music: -what-
Bella: -wakes up in the hospital-
Bella's mom: Oh hi baby girl!
Bella: Hi Mom where's Edward.
Bella: -is kind of a bitch-
Cover-up story: Bella fell down two flights of stairs and through a window.
Olivia: Lol wow.
Bella's mom: -is so happy that she's coming back to live with her-
Bella: Mom I still wanna live in Forks.
Bella's mom: WHAAAAT. ;A;
Bella: Where's James?
Edward: "We took care of him."
Bonfire scenes: -were basically the most exciting part of the movie-
Edward: "Bella, you've gotta go to Jacksonville, so I can't hurt you anymore."
Bella: ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME.
Bella: -flips the fuck out-
Edward: Okay okay I'm here it's okay.
Bella: "You just can't say stuff like that to me. Ever."
Kristen Stewart: -is pretty good at playing an insecure teenaged girl-
Charlie and Edward: -are sitting across the table from each other and looking very uncomfortable-
Bella: -is totally going to prom of her own free will-
That part in the book when he basically tricked her into going: -was cut out to make him seem less abusive-
Charlie: -doesn't look very happy about all this-
Edward: "I'll take care of her, Chief Swan."
Charlie: "Uh-huh. I've heard that before." Right before my daughter came home and dumped me and drove back to Phoenix and fell down two flights of stairs and through a window.
Charlie: "Bella, I put your can of pepper spray in your bag."
Charlie: -is still my favorite-
Jacob: -emerges from the woods wearing a tie-
Bella: -is not surprised at all-
Bella: -enjoys the company of stalkers-
Jacob: -is admittedly better than Edward-
Jacob: -until the third book when he tries to rape her-
Jacob: -and then the fourth book when he imprints on her child-
Jacob: -was paid by his dad to come here and warn Bella and tell her they'll be watching her-
Jacob: -looks uncomfortable because his dad is a creeper-
Edward: -protective glare at Jacob-
Jacob: -jealous glare at Edward-
Bella: -is probably secretly enjoying this-
Edward: "Prom is an important rite of passage, and I don't want you missing it."
Olivia: -skipped her important rite of passage twice-
Prom: -is Monte Carlo themed-
Fan club: -still loves Bella-
Edward and Bella: -of course have to go dance in the gazebo-
Seriously whenever there is a gazebo in a movie, people have to dance in it.
Other two couples dancing in the gazebo: -leave simultaneously to give the main characters some privacy in front of the cameras-
Bella: Why didn't you just let me turn into a vampire?
Edward: You silly girl, that would be bad. "You don't want this."
Bella: "I want you."
Olivia: o_o
Edward: I don't want to kill you.
Bella: I WANT TO SPARKLE.
Edward: Okay, are you ready?
Bella: -bares neck-
Edward: -kisses it-
Bella: WHAT.
Edward and Bella: -kiss-
Edward and Bella: -dance in the gazebo-
Victoria: -stares down at them dancing in the gazebo-
Victoria: -is angry-
Victoria: -is hot-
Victoria: -lets down hair in slow motion-
Victoria: -evil grin-
Victoria: -struts down stairs-
Background music: -pimpstrut-
Credits: -roll-
...
Wow. It took me three hours to watch one hour of Twilight. I think tonight I'll watch The Last Airbender.
This was fun.
Olivia
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