Ugh. The only version of The Last Airbender I could find online was shot on a camcorder in a theater. There are some others, but I refuse to download. If it's not embedded on a page, I have a problem with it; I don't want shit clogging my computer. Oh well.
I am going to make a list of things that I like / dislike, and elaborate after I'm done watching. Commentaries like those written for Twilight, the line-by-line scorn, are reserved for extremely special movies. Mostly just Twilight.
So here we go.
...
- Pronunciation changes. - Casting choices. - Changes to characters. - Changes to small but obvious details. - Effects.
You know what..
Never mind..
...
Okay I worked on the list, and then after ten minutes I gave in and decided to go play-by-play. There is just too much I have to comment on. Some of these are here because I liked the show and am disappointed in the interpretation, and some are here because they just suck. So here we go.
...
While narrating, Katara sounds like she's reading off a script. Which, I mean, is what she was doing. But it's not supposed to sound like she is.
Jasper Jackson Rathbone. Just..no.
Sokka is supposed to be silly. He's supposed to be lighthearted comic relief with serious moments. This Sokka is brooding and emo. Katara accidentally dumped water on Sokka's head and I was totally expecting his shrill angry goofy voice from the show but he kind of just grunted.
I understand if you cannot find people who look exactly like the characters in the show. But they didn't exactly try, did they? I'll get into my cast rant later.
Why. Why does Aang have a cross tattooed on his back. Just..why.
You can barely see Zuko's scar. Also, Zuko is Indian. But in the show he's basically the palest motherfucker in the world.
What the fuck Iroh. Iroh looks terrifying. Iroh looks like some sort of Disney animated movie villain. Like a live-action Jafar or something. Iroh should be fat and happy. Iroh is one of my favorites.
Sokka and Katara's grandmother has a really annoying voice. I think it's supposed to be kind of mystical - she's explaining the Spirit World to them - but it's..just annoying.
Zuko and Iroh give Aang this test - setting the other three elements in front of him - to determine whether or not he is the avatar. (I'm sorry, I mean ahvahtar.) Um..wouldn't this mean that water would be pooling and rocks would be wobbling around him all the time?
Appa: -looks kind of cool- Momo: -looks kind of stupid- Momo: -looks like Zoboomafoo-
Monk Gyatso..was black?
Alright, twenty minutes in and I don't think this movie had a very good exposition. And there seems to be no bond between Aang and SokkaandKatara other than Katara's line about 'we're responsible for him, we have to help him' and Gran-gran's weird quavery high-pitched explanation of the Spirit World and the ahvahtar. It's just like:
Aang: -escapes from Zuko way too easily seriously he basically just ran away, no cool bending shit at all- Sokka and Katara: -brought Appa- Aang: Thanks for bringing Appa. Sokka and Katara: Okay now we're going to help you. Aang: I can just take you home - Sokka and Katara: NO. -serious faces- Aang: Okay then. Sokka and Katara: -still don't know his name- Sokka and Katara: -are basically treating him with near-reverence; Katara just asked if she could have the honor of knowing his name or something like that- Aang: -blissful obliviousness to the fate of his people- Sokka and Katara: -still haven't told him about the war- Katara: -tells him about the war- Aang: -doesn't believe her- Aang: -finds a field full of skeletons- Aang: -finds Monk Gyatso's skeleton- Aang: NOOOOOOOOOOO. Aang: -avatar state- Olivia: -pauses movie to go write about bad exposition-
Aang: -is in the Spirit World already?- Scary-looking random spirit: -is a bit pissed because the avatar has been gone so long-
Man, is it bad that whenever I see Katara I think 'I can't believe how white she is'?
Random Indian guy with an accent: -..is Commander Zhao?-
DUDE. There's another thing. MNight, look for a minute. Look at his name. Zhao. That is one of the most Asian-y names ever. And by Asian-y I mean like Chinese, not 'well India is a part of Asia so surely nobody will get mad about the casting'. Why are the firebenders all Indian. I am not trying to be racist, but let's compare for a moment.
Honestly, right now I would even prefer the original choice of Jesse McCartney. I mean, at least he's pale like Zuko. Zuko is pale like a gamer's ass. (I don't know where I got that one..)
Yes, I'm nitpicking. But that one is just plain irritating. Commander Zhao:
"Hm. The banished prince. Let's offer him lunch." Man everyone's being hospitable towards their enemies. The Cullens are inviting Rival Vampire Squad to play baseball with them, Zhao is feeding Zuko.
Zhao: -is being a douche- The douchiness: -is the most accurate part of the movie so far-
Zuko: -storms out- Iroh: -does not even say something endearing and amusing before leaving after him- Olivia: Aw maaaaan.
Whoa. Zuko's carrying a tiny weird cartoony painting of his family. It's supposed to replicate the portrait seen often in the series, I suppose. It's composed the same way. But it is brightly colored and definitely was not done with the same skill. I wondering how much they paid the prop artist? Touching, Zuzu. I too bring a bad caricature of my loved ones wherever I go.
People had told me beforehand about the fact that firebenders cannot generate their own fire in the movie. Let's think about this. Airbenders always have stuff to work with, obviously. Innovative waterbenders, as Katara demonstrates in the show, can take liquid from sweat and plants and such. Earthbenders don't have it so easy, though considering how dirty some of them get, I'm surprised nobody's tried to bend their own grime yet. So, MNight, I suppose you did this fire thing in the name of 'authenticity'? But tell me, cannot energy be converted? Isn't that kind of the point of bending? If we try to dip into physics a little bit - I haven't taken a physics class in several years, so I'm going extremely basic here - cannot a firebender take some of the energy in the air, or in himself, and transform it into fire? I direct you towards the notion of pyrokinesis (yes I am probably going to far into this, but MNight basically made firebending half as powerful as it should be, so I feel justified). "Several works of fiction explain pyrokinetic powers as being the ability to excite or speed up an object's atoms, increasing their thermal energy until they ignite...air particles." I mean, considering we are in a world in which people can manipulate air and water and earth, I don't see this as such an obscure theory.
All the scenery looks greenscreened. I dunno what it is. Maybe because there's lots of stuff in the foreground and then basically nothing in the background..
"So..are you the ahvahtar, Ahng?" Man, so many problems with this line, Jasper Sokka. For one thing, they sound extremely awkward whenever they pronounce things weirdly. This is either because I am too used to the original pronunciation - which is quite possibly the case - or because in their neutral American accents, saying things like this is kind of uncommon. Most Americans pronounce Iraq as 'eye-Rack' instead of 'ee-Rock'. 'Aang', in Americanese, probably ought to have stayed as it was. (Also, Jackson Rathbone is pretty bad at line delivery. Pretty bad at acting in general. Also, Sokka's supposed to be funny. Also, I haven't even gotten over him looking stupid as a vampire yet; now he is also a poor excuse for a beloved character.)
Oh look the first Asian so far. It's a little earthbender who randomly runs into the field and hides behind Sokka. This scene is also what seems to be the movie's first attempt at humor. First the Fire Nation soldier with the weird voice says that the the kid was bending pebbles at them and it hurt just has a really weird voice; then Katara tries to waterbend at them and ends up freezing Sokka. Unfortunately, the tone of the movie has not been set in a way that allows for this kind of humor to come easily, and the actors are stiff and don't really help at all. (I have not seen Sokka smile once during this whole thing. In fact I've probably seen three smiles in the first half-hour of the movie, and most of them were Zhao's douchey smirks.)
Wow, this village looks..really depressing. Like what most Americans used to think China looks like. Complete with a full cast of Asian background characters.
Even the background characters are bad actors. Also, it does not make sense to imprison earthbenders in a place that's basically just a section of the village with an iron gate separating it from the rest. They still have dirt on the ground. The houses look like they're made of stone. There is a cliff right next to them - literally right next to them, there are some tents leaning against it. COME ON GUYS, YOU ARE SURROUNDED WITH ROCKS. CRUSH THEM. JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE METAL DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T CRUSH THEM.
Aang: "You don't need to live this way! There's earth, right beneath your feet!" Olivia: THANK YOU.
Aang: "It's time for you to stop doing this!" That was a really dumb line. This is just a really dumb scene.
Katara: -shoves a Fire Nation soldier who is making fun of Aang- Soldier: RAAAAAAGE. Soldier: -charges headfirst- Soldier: -is clearly not afraid to attack little girls-
Okay now they are trying to make Sokka funny. He's just kind of turning out awkward. "Okay..everybody can help us now!" -afraid-
Oh..my god. The soldier just firebended..and it was the stupidest thing I have seen in this movie so far. He did this weird frustrated series of motions and kind of..twanged his arms out into an attack stance, and it was just..really..stupid.
Katara: "A waterbending scroll." -awed reverence- "This is ~*rare*~!" Olivia: Uh..
Oh wait, this is the introduction of Kyoshi? So they combined Haru's village and Kyoshi Island and took out Suki and the rest of the Kyoshi warriors and got rid of the pirates (well, I understand that; that would have taken up too much time) and..that's this place.
The Gaang: -random frantic planning session in which Aang rather dramatically tells Sokka and Katara that he doesn't know how to bend the other three elements and they decide to go to the Southern water tribe to find him a teacher- The planning session: -felt like it was added in last-minute- Extras: -cheer and throw makeshift confetti at Aang-
Fire Nation soldiers: -look completely ridiculous in a montage in which Aang totally owns them and makes them seem like incompetent fools-
Oh..look..a random village full of black people in red-and-yellow clothes..I'm not exactly sure who these are.. I mean, generally the people dress in their nations' colors, yes? I always found this notion a bit silly, but it made it easy to determine who was whom. But uh..I'm pretty sure they wouldn't be visiting a village of Fire Nation folk..especially without some sort of explanation.. Olivia: -is a bit confused by this-
Whoa, Zuko-and-co, way to look totally inconspicuous by throwing up your hoods and walking around in big sketchy cloaks.
So, I feel like people's bending poses don't really make much sense. In the show they are based on different kinds of martial arts, and they have a whole logic behind them. The ones in the movie are just kind of a lot of waving around. Katara was just practicing something but she looked like she was trying to dance and failing.
Katara: "Sohka became concerned that we were being followed." Olivia: WELL SOHKA IS JUST CONCERNED ABOUT EVERYTHING IN THIS FILM, ISN'T HE. HE'S JUST A BIG PILE OF CONCERN.
Um..is that..Fire Lord Ozai?
..Um.
Ozai: -kind of sounds like he cares about Zuko- Zhao: "Well..I suppose it's a race, then." Okay. A lot of the dialogue in this movie has been written to make it sound dramatic. But..I don't know, it's something about the environments or the line deliveries or something that just make it sound..dumb.
...
Oh look it's five in the morning and I've been working on this for eight hours and I'm not even halfway through yet, and now it looks like the sun is coming up. Sure I've been doing other stuff too, and I did go off for three hours after watching fifteen minutes to hang with my brother and watch Food Network instead, but still. That was pretty pathetic of me. Ah well. Tomorrow is another day.
Oh! Before I start though, I gotta make this comment: I am actually really looking forward to the Breaking Dawn movie(s). Namely, I am looking forward to seeing how they manage the OMG SUPER ROUGH VAMPIRE SEX scenes, and the EVERYONE IN THE ROOM RIPPING APART BELLA'S ABDOMEN WITH THEIR TEETH birthing. Also the baby. The baby sounds like some freaky thing from a horror film. When I picture it, I can't think of all those advertisements for Splice.
Renesmee.
...
OH SHIT I shouldn't have stopped right after the lion-falling-in-love-with-the-lamb line. I totally forgot about the follow-up: Bella: "What a stupid lamb." Edward: What a sick, masochistic lion." Olivia: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
Oh man the lying-in-the-field-staring-at-each-other scene. Wasn't this supposed to be in bright daylight? You know, so this passage could happen:
"Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn't get used to it, though I'd been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday's hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn't sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal."
One reason why books will almost always be better than movies: You get to read bullshit like that.
Man, this music makes me feel like there has to be one of those cheesy montage sex scenes. But no. They're just lying on the grass looking at each other. Bella: -stoner face-
Oh, never mind, here comes the sun. Here come the ~*glitter!*~ sound effects. Here comes the sandpaper skin.
Bella: One, he's a vampire. Two, he wants to eat me. Three, I LOVE HIM SO IT DOESN'T MATTER. Olivia: -kick-
Edward and Bella: -new-couple-strut through the parking lot- Edward: -is wearing really douchey sunglass and a really douchey grin- Fangirls: OMG! 8D Fanboys: Omg. 8| Rest-of-Cullens: -annoyed stare across parking lot- Edward: -smirks at them-
-flashback- Carlisle: -whispers in Edward's ear- Edward: -smiles faintly- Carlisle: -attacks Edward's neck- Edward: -looks like he is being raped- Carlisle: -still looks like a teenager-
Edward: We're vegetarian vampires. But it kind of sucks. Definitely not like drinking your blood. -nonchalant chuckle- Bella: o_o
Edward: -is suddenly acting more like a normal douchey teenaged boy-
Bella: -is probably suicidal-
Edward and..Jacob's dad, I forget his name: -exchange slow-motion meaningful glare-
Jacob's dad: -is onto them-
Cullens' house: -is really pretty- Cullens' house: -is basically the only colorful thing in the movie besides Bella's truck-
Cheesy fast-running sound effects: -are as cheesy as the ~*sparkles!*~-
Cullens: -are watching a cooking show and cooking- Rosalie: -is bitchy- Esme: -can smell Bella- "Get a whiff of that! Here comes the human." Olivia: -is not even kidding-
Carlisle and Esme: -SERIOUSLY LOOK REALLY YOUNG, I don't know how they're fooling everyone with this foster children thing, I mean honestly I wouldn't be able to tell who were the 'parents' if I didn't already know- Olivia: -keeps mistaking Carlisle for Jasper because Jasper looks so absurd that I just can't take him seriously, and I keep forgetting that he's there-
Rosalie: -is really pissy that she has to cook for Edward's stupidhumangirlfriend- Rosalie: -breaks a glass salad bowl in her hands- Olivia: -doesn't really blame her-
Bella: Mumble mumble. Cullens: AHAH YOU'RE SO FUNNY AND WE LOVE YOU.
Alice and stupidlookingJasper: -walk into the kitchen from a tree branch outside- Olivia: -lol- Alice: -is adorable- Jasper: -looks stupid-
Alice: HUUUUGS!~*~ Everyone else: Uh. Alice: Oh, you do smell good. Everyone else: -cough- Alice: Let's be BFFs!~*~ Everyone else: ...
Jasper: -is 'our newest vegetarian'- Jasper: -is having difficulties restraining himself- Jasper: -looks totally stupid- Jasper: -is making that face-
Edward: -looks pained- Bella: -is clearly uncomfortable with the Cullen small talk-
Cullen house: -has a mural of graduation caps on the wall- Edward: "We matriculate a lot." Edward: -had to be douchey and say 'matriculate' instead of 'graduate'-
Edward: "Yeah, uh, this is my room." Bella: "No bed?" Olivia: PFFFFFFFFFFFFF. xD Bella: -is clearly not as innocent as she wants us to believe-
Edward and Bella: -apparently share a passion for classical music- Edward and Bella: -therefore are clearly meant for each other-
Edward and Bella: -are..dancing?- Olivia: ...
Bella: "I'm not afraid of you." Edward: "Well, you really shouldn't have said that." -grin- Edward: -pulls Bella onto his shoulders and jumps out the window for another cheesy running-through-the-forest scene- Olivia: RAAAAAAAAAPE.
Edward: -just called her a spider monkey?-
Edward: -takes Bella up into a really tall tree in the middle of the forest- Olivia: -really wants him to just leave her there..- Bella: -is amazed by the view- Bella: "This kind of stuff just doesn't exist." Edward: "It does in my world." Edward: -said that in completely the douchiest way ever, I am not kidding-
Bella: -is climbing higher- Bella: -probably shouldn't be, because apparently she is too klutzy to do anything- Bella: -skipped down the stairs in the book, and I'm not even sure how that happens, believe me after I read that part I tried, so maybe she is less klutzy than SMeyer wants us to believe-
Forest shot: -is admittedly very pretty-
Edward: -is playing the piano for Bella- Bella: -is lying on the couch in the background in what she hopes is a sexy pose- Bella: -is now sitting on the piano bench next to him- Bella: -HAS VAMPIRE SPEED?-
Charlie: -is conducting an investigation- Rival vampire squad: -watch from the trees-
White fanboy: "I don't like it. He just..looks at you like you're something to eat." Bella: -laughs it off- White fanboy: -has more insight than the rest of them-
Stephenie Meyer: -HAS A CAMEO IN THE DINER- Olivia: -RAAAAAAGE- Olivia: -hates her stupid face- Stephenie Meyer: -ordered a veggie plate-
Fan club: -is outside the diner wagging their butts through the window- Olivia: -is not even joking-
Bella's mom: Oh hey you can come back if you want. Bella: Actually I kind of like it here. Bella's mom: WHAT.
Edward: -is sitting on Bella's bed- Bella: WHAT. Edward: I have been doing this for two months. Bella: ... Edward: "I like watching you sleep. It's..it's kind of fascinating to me." Bella: AW THAT IS SO SWEET. Olivia: -headdesk forever-
Edward: -leans in agonizingly slowly to kiss Bella- Bella: -is not allowed to move- Bella: -is clearly having some troubles down under-
Bella: -kisses him harder- Edward: -looks like he's about to rape her- Edward: -suddenly throws himself backwards into the wall- Bella: WHAAAAAT. NOOOOO.
Edward and Bella: -just sit talking instead- Bella: -is clearly disappointed-
Bella: -falls asleep- Edward: -is a total creeper-
Charlie: -is loading his gun- Bella: "I have a date with Edward Cullen." Bella: -should not be talking about boys while her protective father is loading his gun- Charlie: "He's a little old for you, innit he?" Olivia: -lol-
Bella: Edward's outside. He wants to meet you. Charlie: -snaps gun threateningly- "Alright, bring 'im in." That one part just now: -was probably my favorite part of the movie-
Bella: "Be nice, please. He's important." Charlie: -makes some weird gesture with his finger over his head?- Olivia: -is confused..-
Charlie: "Hey, still got that pepper spray?" Charlie: -is my favorite character-
When I first happened upon summaries of Twilight the novel, I thought the thing about vampire baseball was a joke. No. Unfortunately, it's very very real. They even have uniforms. (Hey, their twenty-year-old-foster-daddy is rich! They can afford!)
Bella: -is the umpire- Rosalie: -is really upset that she's out- Bella: -did not make things any better for herself-
Rosalie: -just called Emmett her 'monkey man'- Olivia: -is not even kidding-
Rival vampire squad: -interrupt the party- Cullens: -slow-motion head turn-
Rival vampire squad: -are basically pimp-strutting out of the forest- Rival vampire squad: -are way cooler than the Cullens-
Cullens: -form an icy marble vegetarian baseball-uniformed shield around Bella- Bella: -is confused-
Laurent: -needs to button his shirt- Victoria: -is hot- James: -has scary eyes- Carlisle: -is not fazed-
Camera shots: -are all super-close-ups of people's eyes-
Rival vampire squad: -are going to play baseball with them- Olivia: THIS IS STUPID.
Jasper: -has his second line in the whole movie- Jasper: -sounds really dumb-
James: -leers at Bella- Wind: -blows Bella's scent in James's direction- James: YUM. Cullens: OH FUCK.
Vampires: -make their action poses- Vampires: -are actually hissing- Olivia: THIS IS STUPID.
Aw maaaan. They're not allowed to play baseball anymore.
Edward: -is trying to rush Bella to safety- Bella: -is showing affection for Charlie for the second time in the movie- Edward: THIS IS NOT A GOOD TIME.
Bella: I'M LEAVING. Charlie: -doesn't get it-
Poor Charlie.
Bella: I AM DRIVING HOME TO PHOENIX WHERE I BELONG. Charlie: I CAN CHANGE. :(
Bella: -is being a huge bitch- Olivia: Charliiieeeee. :(
Bella: -sees fan club having a normal happy teenage life- Bella: -stoner face-
Laurent: I am just here to warn you but basically I'm just saying that they're really powerful and you're probably screwed. Laurent: -leaves-
"We'll have to tear him apart and burn the pieces." That is the second time one of the Cullens has said that in the last five minutes. They just..say it in such a casual way. It's a little bit disturbing.
Rosalie: -is really resentful that they have to risk everything for Edward's stupidhumangirlfriend- Olivia: -doesn't blame her-
Edward: "Bella, you are my life now." Even though he's been dead for a hundred years now. Of course, that doesn't matter to the swooning girls all over the world who can't get enough of that line.
Cullens: -have lots of fancy cars-
Rosalie: -is marking trees with Bella's jacket that she's wearing- Rosalie: -looks very silly-
James: -runs through the woods- James: -smells Bella's scent- James: -makes a really awkward face-
Alice and Jasper: -bring Bella to a very fancy hotel- Alice: -has a vision- James: -can totally tell that they were trying to trick him- James: -gets really angry and makes a growling noise and runs in the other direction- Rosalie: -obviously did not have her heart in the tree-marking- Edward and Rosalie and Emmett: Oops.
Alice: -draws her vision with a blank look on her face- Bella: -took ballet as a child?- Olivia: -thought she was supposed to be clumsy and ungainly- SMeyer: -didn't think this through-
Hotel lobby: -has the first actual colorful lighting in the entire movie-
James: -calls Bella- Bella: -is heroic- Bella: -goes off to save her mother- Cullens: -have risked everything for Bella and now she is just going to throw it all away- Bella: -should have thought this through-
That line from the beginning of the movie about Bella dying in the place of someone she loves: -showed up again-
Bella: -still has her pepper spray- Olivia: -lol-
James: -ominous echo-y laughter- James: -is reflected in a bunch of mirrors- James: -is doing this weird head-tilting thing that is probably supposed to be scary but just kind of looks dumb-
Dude why are there so many scenes when Bella looks like she's about to be raped. 8|
Bella's pepper spray: -was totally ineffective- James: -is flying through the air- Olivia: -keeps expecting Bella to trip- Bella: -instead is knocked across the floor- Olivia: -finds this a sufficient alternative-
Edward: -dramatic arrival- James and Edward: -finally have a fight scene- Bella: -is bleeding in several places- James: -bites Bella- Bella's skin: -makes a kind of gross skin-crunching sound- Edward: RAAAAAAGE. Bella: -convulses on the floor- Edward: -is totally owning James- Edward: -makes growling noises and tears off a chunk of James's flesh with his teeth- Other Cullens: -finally get there- Other Cullens: -fly from the balcony- Carlisle: -prevents Edward from turning into the Hulk a horrible monster- Alice: -accidentally gets Bella's blood on her hands and can't resist sniffing it- Alice: -runs off and breaks James's neck and..sets his head on fire with her hands?- Edward: -is elongating Bella's pain by having a deep ethical moment- Bella: -is still moaning and convulsing- Jasper and Emmett and Alice: -seem to be having a lot of fun with their bonfire in the background- Edward: -sucks out the venom- Edward: -thinks this is delicious- Edward: -is having a hard time stopping- Bella: -dying stoner face- Random montage of Bella-and-Edward moments while Edward tries to stop himself from drinking all of Bella's delicious delicious blood: -what- Random soulful music: -what-
Bella: -wakes up in the hospital- Bella's mom: Oh hi baby girl! Bella: Hi Mom where's Edward. Bella: -is kind of a bitch-
Cover-up story: Bella fell down two flights of stairs and through a window. Olivia: Lol wow.
Bella's mom: -is so happy that she's coming back to live with her- Bella: Mom I still wanna live in Forks. Bella's mom: WHAAAAT. ;A;
Bella: Where's James? Edward: "We took care of him." Bonfire scenes: -were basically the most exciting part of the movie-
Edward: "Bella, you've gotta go to Jacksonville, so I can't hurt you anymore." Bella: ARE YOU BREAKING UP WITH ME. Bella: -flips the fuck out- Edward: Okay okay I'm here it's okay. Bella: "You just can't say stuff like that to me. Ever." Kristen Stewart: -is pretty good at playing an insecure teenaged girl-
Charlie and Edward: -are sitting across the table from each other and looking very uncomfortable- Bella: -is totally going to prom of her own free will- That part in the book when he basically tricked her into going: -was cut out to make him seem less abusive- Charlie: -doesn't look very happy about all this- Edward: "I'll take care of her, Chief Swan." Charlie: "Uh-huh. I've heard that before." Right before my daughter came home and dumped me and drove back to Phoenix and fell down two flights of stairs and through a window.
Charlie: "Bella, I put your can of pepper spray in your bag." Charlie: -is still my favorite-
Jacob: -emerges from the woods wearing a tie- Bella: -is not surprised at all- Bella: -enjoys the company of stalkers- Jacob: -is admittedly better than Edward- Jacob: -until the third book when he tries to rape her- Jacob: -and then the fourth book when he imprints on her child-
Jacob: -was paid by his dad to come here and warn Bella and tell her they'll be watching her- Jacob: -looks uncomfortable because his dad is a creeper-
Edward: -protective glare at Jacob- Jacob: -jealous glare at Edward- Bella: -is probably secretly enjoying this-
Edward: "Prom is an important rite of passage, and I don't want you missing it." Olivia: -skipped her important rite of passage twice- Prom: -is Monte Carlo themed- Fan club: -still loves Bella-
Edward and Bella: -of course have to go dance in the gazebo- Seriously whenever there is a gazebo in a movie, people have to dance in it. Other two couples dancing in the gazebo: -leave simultaneously to give the main characters some privacy in front of the cameras-
Bella: Why didn't you just let me turn into a vampire? Edward: You silly girl, that would be bad. "You don't want this." Bella: "I want you." Olivia: o_o Edward: I don't want to kill you. Bella: I WANT TO SPARKLE. Edward: Okay, are you ready? Bella: -bares neck- Edward: -kisses it- Bella: WHAT.
Edward and Bella: -kiss- Edward and Bella: -dance in the gazebo- Victoria: -stares down at them dancing in the gazebo- Victoria: -is angry- Victoria: -is hot- Victoria: -lets down hair in slow motion- Victoria: -evil grin- Victoria: -struts down stairs- Background music: -pimpstrut-
Credits: -roll-
...
Wow. It took me three hours to watch one hour of Twilight. I think tonight I'll watch The Last Airbender.
OKAY YOU GUYS I'VE DONE IT. I've broken down. I'm going to watch Twilight. Expect a play-by-play.
(For those of you who don't know..I despise Twilight. I hated it and the rest of the books on principle, when I heard about them; I hated them more when I read detailed synopses; people told me I shouldn't criticize without having read them, so I read them, or three and a half at least, before I couldn't take any more; and I've heard the movies are even worse. The internet, as always, provides.)
(Maybe some other time I will write out my whole long Twilight ramble. It's basically the same as everyone else's though, so you can go find theirs. Cleolinda's are pretty amusing.)
So here we go.
...
Entire movie: -is in shades of blue and grey- Olivia: -wonders if New Moon is entirely in shades of..werewolf colors-
"Your hair is shorter." "I cut it." "Oh. Guess it grew out again." LOL.
Aw, she has a pet cactus. So cute.
"Saleslady picked out the uh, bed stuff. You like purple, right?" "Purple's cool.." Man they're so awkward.
HI I'M JACOB. I HAVE LONG FLOWING LOCKS, MAN IS MY HAIR PRETTY OR WHAT. Oh don't mind our dads, they flirt all the time.
YAY A TRUCK oops I hit you in the crotch with the door SILLY CLUMSY OL ME TEE HEE.
Jacob: -hops in truck- -chats with Bella- -surreptitiously looks at chest-
Hi I'm an Asian kid whose name you're probably gonna forget. I already know your name, because I'm a total creeper. Wanna go out? -creepy grin-
HI I'M MIKE AND I KNOW YOUR NAME TOO. You hit me on the back of the head with a volleyball but it's okay because you're pretty. -goofy smile- HEYYYYY GUYS hi I'm Jessica stay away from this guy, I may be smiling but my eyes say they will EAT YOU. Hey yeah I'm Bella mumble mumble. LOL YOU'RE SO FUNNY AND WE LOVE YOU.
Lunch table: White fanboy: Bella loves me. 8D Asian fanboy: NO ACTUALLY SHE LOVED ME FIRST. Black fanboy: WELL I'M GONNA JUST SNEAK IN AND RANDOMLY KISS HER ON THE CHEEK WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT. That insecure chick: Oh hahah yeah.. Glasses-and-camera girl: I LIKE YOU BE MY FRIEND. Bella: Mumble mumble. Everyone: LOL YOU'RE SO FUNNY AND WE LOVE YOU.
OH GOD. Bella walked into class and the fan swept her hair back as Western-standoff music played, and Edward, staring intently at her, basically got a full-body boner. Not even kidding. His entire body got really stiff. This movie is SOOOO AWKWAAAAARD.
Bella: -sits down next to Edward- Edward: Oh god what is that stench. Bella: *INSECURITIES ACTIVATE*
BAHAHAHAH I love the face he makes at her.
O-oh god. An old man is in love with her too. (I mean, besides Edward. Who is older.)
Cullens-sans-Edward driving into parking lot: -look totally douchey- Bella-Fan-Club: -hang out in stoner van- Bella: -reads book in parking lot instead of being at all social even though they all love her and want her babies-
Cullens-sans-Edward entering school: -stare at Bella- Cullens-sans-Edward in cafeteria: -stare at Bella- Edward: -not stare at Bella WHY ISN'T HE HERE TO GIVE ME THE STINKEYE I MISS HIM WHERE DID HE GO-
Oh look! Something that actually looks dramatic and plot-y. Even though it isn't explained at all, this is like an hour and a half earlier than it would have showed up in the book.
Boisterous fanboys: WE LOVE YOU BELLA. Bella: Uh. -stoner face-
Edward: -is finally in class, yay!- Edward: -is smiling and not covering nose?- Edward: -is evidently having a bipolar moment-
Edward: I am socially awkward and my eyes are always too wide! Bella: -giggle-
Bella: "I don't really like the rain. Any cold..wet..thing, I don't really.." Olivia: -SNORT-
Edward: -is suddenly extremly interested in Bella's life- Bella: -is not creeped out at all even though she was by the harmless normal teenage flirtations of her fanboys-
Bella: -IS CARRYING THE GOLDEN ONION, LOL-
Bella: Hey your eyes changed color. I've only seen you once before this, but I know, because I'm obsessed with you. Edward: It's..uh..the fluorescence. Olivia: THAT WAS A REALLY LAME EXCUSE EDWARD.
Cullens-including-Edward in the parking lot: -stare at Bella- Black fanboy's van: -screeches towards Bella intent on killing her OH IF ONLY IT HAD, AT LEAST THE PROPS KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING- Edward: -FWOOSH- -RESCUE- -SCARY WIDE EYES- Bella: -stoner face-
Everyone in parking lot: -SWARM ANXIOUSLY- Black fanboy who has a cut on his face while Bella remains unscathed: I AM SO SORRY. ;A; Charlie: I AM ANGRY AT YOU, FANBOY. Black fanboy: I AM SO SORRY. ;A; Charlie: You could have been killed, Bella! Bella: That's because I'm a dumb bitch and instead of running or dodging, spread out in front of the car like I was trying to fucken protect it or something.
Doctor Cullen: -IS LIKE THE FUCKING YOUNGEST DOCTOR IN THE WORLD AND KIND OF SCARY- Doctor Cullen: -PROBABLY PLAYED AN EXTRA AT FORKS HIGH SCHOOL THAT'S HOW YOUNG HE IS, SERIOUSLY- Doctor Cullen: -NO BUT REALLY, AT FIRST I THOUGHT HE WAS JASPER OR SOMEONE IN A LAB COAT-
Bella: -confused assertions- Edward: Lol you silly bitch, I was there the whole time. Shut your face.
Bella: -in bed, hears something at window- Edward: LOL I AM TOTALLY OUT HERE CREEPING ON YOOOOOU.
White fanboy: Wanna go to the dance with me? -hopeful grin- Bella: -stoner face- Uh no I'm gonna try to put you down gently but I know your heart is breaking uh sorry about that. Go ask airhead fangirl, she wants you. Edward: -giggles in the background- Teacher: By saying 'Yo', I am completely down wit' the teenaged folks. Edward: -giggles-
Airhead fangirl: Bella guess what! White fanboy asked me to prom! I can't believe it, I thought he was going to ask you! MAN I AM SO EXCITED. THIS DOES WONDERS FOR MY FEMININE INSECURITIES. Bella: Lol yeah whatever mumble mumble.
Asian fanboy: Lol I'm immature.
Edward: We shouldn't be friends. Bella: BUT EVERYONE ELSE LOVES ME. YOU SHOULD HAVE JUST LET THE VAN CRUSH ME. Edward: Yeah but then I would have gone crazy and lapped up all your blood from the pavement. And then we would have to moooove.
Alice: Hi! I am cute and friendly! Edward: Yeah but Bella can't hang out with you because I shouldn't be friends with her. Jasper: I have a bad wig and don't say anything and make weird faces even when I'm playing an Inuit-based warrior-boy.
(Mini-rant: I am still not sure whether or not to see The Last Airbender because it's gotten ridiculously horrible reviews and everyone hates it. And I glazed over the race-casting thing, but only because MNight said he cast according to acting ability. Apparently they can't act. And apparently they make a lot of weird name-pronunciation changes, which is dumb. You can do that for a book, but don't do it for a television show! Especially when your reasoning is that it will make it sound more authentic. Sure, make every other decision the stupidest thing ever, but decide that you're going to pronounce Aang 'Ahng' and Sokka 'So-kah' and Iroh 'Eeroh' and avatar 'ahvahtar'. Because obviously that's going to make everyone ignore your other horrible pieces.)
Black fanboy: I have a large and obvious bandage on my forehead from the cut that the accident gave me. But that's okay because at least Bella wasn't hurt!
Edward: -lame comment- Bella: -drops apple in clumsiness and crush..iness?- Edward: -kick-catches apple- Olivia: OHO I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE that was really dumb but I'm impressed that Robert Pattinson could do that, I wonder how many takes they did.
Bella in the frame I paused to come write that: -stoner face-
Edward: I AM REALLY BIPOLAR YOU GUYS. Bella: I am confused and wary. Edward: -winning smile- Bella: Stop PMSing.
Edward: "Let's say if you were smart, you'd stay away from me." Bella: "Okay, let's say for argument's sake that I'm not smart." Olivia: NO MARY SUESTEPHENIE MEYER BELLA WE CANNOT SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT AND CLEVER AND INTELLIGENT AND AMAZING.
Edward: "What if I'm not the hero, what if I'm..the bad guy?" Bella: You're not. You're lovable and hot and I want you so bad. We are at the salad bar but I want you to do me right here. My stoner face says it all. Olivia: -kicks-
Cute nerdy fangirl: Asian fanboy keeps not asking me to prom. Bella: Whoops that's my fault. So I'm going to say some empty words that Christina Aguilera or someone has in her lyrics. Cute nerdy fangirl: That means so much to me!
Indian dudes: HEY BELLA we can join your fan club too ALSO WE HAVE BETTER HAIR THAN THE GUYS AND THE GIRLS. Jacob: Hiiiii.
Indian dudes: "The Cullens don't come here." -tense silence- Bella and Jacob: -licorice-
Bella: What do they mean? Jacob: I'm not supposed to tell but I LOVE YOU so I'm going to reveal my people's secrets YAY LET'S BE FRIENDS.
Jacob: -intense local legend- Asian fanboy, in the background: -is totally immature-
More tiny plot insertion: -is really short- But at least she's hot. THESE ARE REAL VAMPIRES. Unfortunately I believe they also sparkle.
Bella: -goes on Google, but apparently is incapable of finding free online information, instead needing to go to an actual bookstore to find a book of legends, INSTEAD OF JUST READING ON THE INTERNET, but I guess we need her to go to that city or whatever for plot, because that's where she almost gets raped but then Edward SAVES HER, he's her knight in cold glittering marble armor skin-
Cute nerdy fangirl: Yay Bella's advice worked, Asian fanboy is settling for me! Airhead fangirl: Yay dress shopping! Bella: I'll come with you? Fangirls: OF COURSE YOU ARE weneedyou.
Wow I'm only one third of the way through this movie..
Bella: I like bookstores more than dress shopping, I am a SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE. Olivia: ..Does this mean I can't like bookstores more than dress shopping anymore? I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE HERRRRR. ;A;
Oh my god this is so awkward. RAPE SCENE god she's going to be raped by a bunch of scary drunk guys. That's what you get for walking down a dark alley, Bella. THIS IS WHY YOU DON'T GO TO BOOKSTORES. (Did that guy just ask her if she likes beer pong? SUDDENLY THIS MOVIE IS TOTALLY WORTH IT.)
Edward: -RESCUUUUUUE- Bella: -slightly more intense stoner face-
Bella: You should put your seat belt on. Edward: -hysterical giggle- YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON.
Fangirls: BITCH WHERE WERE YOU we were hungry. Edward: -charismatic glimmer- Fangirls: ..-giggle-
Fangirls: Okay, so wanna go? Edward: I will feed her dinner. Fangirls: THAT'S SO SWEET. -giggle- Bella: Yeah..I should eat.. Fangirls: -giggle-
Waitress: -flirts with Edward- Edward: -stoneface- Bella: BITCH PLEASE.
Bella: Give me some answers. Edward: -smartassery- Bella: Okay I love you but SHUT UP.
Edward: I can read every mind here but yours. Olivia: THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING THERE. Bella: "Is there something wrong with me?" Olivia: YES.
Bella and Edward's hands: -finally touch- Background music: -eeeeeerrriiiiiieeeeee- Bella: Your dick hand is so cold..
Bella: Hey dad. I'm going to actually show some affection for you for the first time in this movie. Charlie: -'s friend just got mauled by vampires got attacked by wild animals-
Bella: -opens book, sees diagram with caption containing the words 'Cold One', GOES TO GOOGLE, WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST DO THAT FIRST, BELLA, YOU STUPID GIRL; THIS IS WHY HE CAN'T READ YOUR MIND-
Bella: -finally has a revelation- Bella: -also has a wet dream about Edward dressed as Count Dracula drinking her blood-
Bella: -slow motion stare at Edward- Edward: -slow motion stare at Bella- Bella: -slow motion walk past Edward- Edward: -knowing look- Olivia: -is still not even halfway through the movie-
Edward: -follows Bella into the woods- Edward: -is so creepy- Bad high school mural in the background: -is bad- Music: -is intense- Camera angle: -is intense-
Oh here's the dramatic scene. Where Bella lists all of his vampire traits and Edward is like ..Yeah. Yeah I am. I AM ALSO DANGEROUS.
Camera movement: -is dramatic-
Bella: I know what you are. Edward: SAY IT, BITCH.
Cheesy fast-motion run through the forest: -is cheesy-
Edward in the sunlight: -barely looks any different- -might look a bit like his skin is bubbling; did he take Polyjuice Potion recently?- Cheesy *glitter!* sound effects: -are basically the only things that make him seem like he's sparkling- Bella: I JUST CREAMED MY PANTS. Edward: -resentful face-
Closeup: -admittedly makes the sparkling more noticeable, but now it looks like he's covered in sandpaper-
Edward: Bella no seriously I'm really dangerous. Bella: -orgasm face for basically the entire scene- Edward: I AM A KILLER. Bella: I DON'T CARE I LOVE YOU MAKE BABIES INSIDE OF MEEEE. Edward: I WANT TO EAT YOU. Bella: STILL LOVE YOU.
Edward: -is just running around to show off, you douchebag-
Edward: "Your scent..it's like a drug to me. You're like my own personal brand of heroin." Bella: I am feeling so strange in my pants right now.
Bella: Now I'm afraid. Edward: Good, you should be. Bella: NO WAIT I'm not afraid of you, I'm afraid of losing you! Olivia: -headdesk-
Edward: "And so the lion fell in love with the lamb." Olivia: -HEADDESK FOREVER-
...
Alright, here's where we end for tonight. I can only take so much of this at a time. I ended up stopping fifteen minutes in to watch Food Network for an hour and a half, because Iron Chef and Ace of Cakes are healing for my brain.
Okay this wasn't like my usual movie-watching-commentaries, where sometimes I actually say semi-thoughtful things maybe. No. Today was just a whole lot of: -watch thirty seconds- -lol- -pause movie- -scamper over to blog- -make fun of it-
More tomorrow.
(I think I almost like this better than the book, though. The book is fucken terrifying. The movie is just a load of pfffffffttttttt.)
I write a lot of movie commentaries in my personal blog. As in, I watch movies on my computer and write whatever comes to mind. I've decided to publish these in a separate blog. Hence, this thing here. I'll slowly be copy-pasting all of my old commentaries here, a few a day or something. These are for my own entertainment and for whoever else finds them and wants to read them.
Warning: I am pretty snarky about most movies. Even movies I like, sometimes.
